I sat in front of Geneva's spirit rock a while ago and had my picture taken. Some sweet soul and fellow-traveller had painted the TARDIS on it, and seeing it made me happy (as an aside, it also made me happy to ask a zombie to move so that I could have the picture taken, but Humans vs. Zombies is an entirely different story).
As I looked at the pictures on my husband's phone, I realized that I actually looked happy, and that I really love Dr. Who. I identify as a Whovian. And I started thinking about what I have been identifying as and with for many years, because I feel like I'm in the middle of switching identities and allegiances.
I have been worshipping in RP churches since I moved to Syracuse for grad school in 1996. I first fell in love with the music, and then fell in love with Reformed theology. I finally felt like I could love God with my mind. It was so freeing in comparison to my childhood in very conservative Baptist churches. I also experienced freedom in knowing that if God had chosen me, there was nothing that I could do to undo His choice--I was His! After struggling for years with manufacturing a set of works that would make me feel good enough to be assured of my salvation, it was such a relief to believe this. I was so happy to have found a home, and fully embraced being RP.
As I looked at the pictures on my husband's phone, I realized that I actually looked happy, and that I really love Dr. Who. I identify as a Whovian. And I started thinking about what I have been identifying as and with for many years, because I feel like I'm in the middle of switching identities and allegiances.
I have been worshipping in RP churches since I moved to Syracuse for grad school in 1996. I first fell in love with the music, and then fell in love with Reformed theology. I finally felt like I could love God with my mind. It was so freeing in comparison to my childhood in very conservative Baptist churches. I also experienced freedom in knowing that if God had chosen me, there was nothing that I could do to undo His choice--I was His! After struggling for years with manufacturing a set of works that would make me feel good enough to be assured of my salvation, it was such a relief to believe this. I was so happy to have found a home, and fully embraced being RP.
But it the identity of RP is no longer one with which I feel entirely comfortable.
I was visiting home this past week and found my old high school jacket, maroon corduroy with gold piping. My kids immediately started making Griffindor jokes as I tried on the coat that almost fit, but didn't quite. That's how my denominational identity now feels.
I know some people would say that I shouldn't idenitify with a denomination anyway ("No creed but Christ"), but I've always felt comfortable having an organized way of understanding theology. It's just that I'm not so sure about this way right now. It's difficult to put into words what exactly is the nature of my struggle. But it's there. And right now it feels like a Whovian jacket would be an easier one to wear.
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